The Exorcist (Marvel parody of the Shreksorcist)
by Tiger Empress 546
Summary: What happens when Logan aka Wolverine finds himself in the house of a deranged mutant child, known as Wade Wilson? Will he escape? I do not own Marvel, or Shrek. Enjoy!


Now then, something beyond comprehension, was happening to a little boy on this street, in this house. A man had come as a last resort because no one else would go near the place.

A window smashed from above and sent a box tumbling at the feet of Logan Howlette who was the only one the desperate father could contact, that wasn't terrified of mutant brats, considering he was a mutant himself.

He stepped up to the doorway and knocked on the door, until an elderly man with a mustache and the letters STAN LEE printed on his nightshirt, opened the door. He stumbled back at the sight of the intimidating man that towered over him. "I hear you've been expecting me?" Logan said gruffly. The man nodded quickly. "You are the..." "That's right." Logan interrupted. "I am...the babysitter!" (thunder crashed outside for dramatic effect). "Yes! Yes! Thank goodness, you've come!" The man said.

Logan paused for a moment to glance at a cat swallowing a fish from the empty fish tank with an innocent look on its face. Logan turned his gaze back to the elderly man. "My boy, I don't know what's gotten into him. I've never seen anything like it." "Trust me, bub, there's nothing that Wolverine can't handle!" Logan said letting his alter ego get ahead of him, until a noise from upstairs beckoned both men's attention. "Father!" A child-like voice sang from the room upstairs. "Father!" "OK, then." Logan frowned, already reconsidering his new employment that could possibly prove fatal. (even if he did have his healing factor).

"Look, I'm telling you, I've tried everything in the book, you see?!" The man said revealing a book, entitled, 'How to Tame your Mutant Child.' "Oh, come on now, you're going to listen to some idiotic nutcase?"

Logan narrowed his eyes at the book, and shoved his way past the flustered old man, and made his way upstairs, with the man following behind nervously. "You don't understand, sir, I've never seen anything like it. It's like he's two different people!" Logan scoffed at the man's horrified expression. "What your kid needs is discipline, not a lot of physiological mumbo-jumbo. You just gotta walk in there look him in the eye, and show him whose..."

Logan opened the door to the problem child's room and he froze at the sight of a young boy doing flips on his bed, in an unnatural human position, while singing gibberish. "Please tell me he's an only child," Logan murmured, hoping there weren't any other creepy children lurking around where he couldn't see.

"Bubblegum, fish pins, bah, bah, boo!" The boy sang joyously. Logan cautiously approached the child, and gave a nervous smile and a wave. "Um, hello." The boy sat up, and spun his head around in a 360 degree angle. "Oh, here's your problem, his head's not screwed on right!" Logan smiled, and held the boy's head in his hands, and lowered his large hands on his tiny shoulders.

"When you wish upon a star, you get lots of stuff!" The boy said. Logan gave the boy a firm look. "Well, I wish for a nice quiet evening, where you go to sleep and I raid the icebox." The boy smiled. "OK!" He exclaimed, while striking Logan in the face with his feet. "Ow, hey, stop, ow, oh!" Logan was kicked to the floor, as the little boy lay down in his bed and fell asleep, obviously to avoid the wrath of the new, more threatening-looking babysitter. Logan got up off of the floor, and looked at the peacefully sleeping child. He turned to his father, who was unconvinced of his son's sudden change in behavior.

"See, that was easy." Logan mused, obviously unaware that the boy began to float ominously upwards towards the ceiling. "When it comes to good parenting, you have to be fair but firm, you just show them that you mean business, and he's out of bed again isn't he?" Logan frowned, studying the man's worried expression that pointed to the bed. Logan turned and then looked upwards at the floating youngster. Logan let out his adamantanium claws and sliced the air separating the boy from the ceiling. The child shrieked as he fell onto his bed. Logan retracted his claws and held the boy in a firm grasp. "Alright, what's this all about?"

Logan demanded, figuring that tough love was a way to get this kid to open up. "Voices!" The boy answered. Logan studied the boy's crazed face for a moment. "Voices?" He repeated, thinking that his all of his repetitive weekly drinking nights had come back to haunt him. "Uh, uh, in here! Telling me what to do!" The boy sang, pointing to his head. "You have voices inside your head?" Logan gave a nervous chuckle. "Sometimes!" The boy giggled mischievously. "And what kind of things do they tell you to do?" The man inquired unprepared for what happened next. The boy said nothing, and then he released a volcano of some type of sticky substance all over Logan, causing him to use his claws for protection. After a few moments of regurgitation, the boy stopped, allowing Logan to wipe off the sticky substance coating him.

Suddenly, the boy leapt of of the bed and starting kicking Logan in the legs randomly, while singing, 'the early bird catches the worm!" Logan tried to grab him, but the kid ran round so fast, Logan swore he could've been Quicksilver. "What's gotten into this kid!" Logan growled, trying to snatch the little twit in his hands, wishing his hadn't retracted his claws at that time.

The man had his book opened to a chapter, entitled, "Lullabies will soothe your savage little beast." "Maybe you should sing him a little song." He suggested. Logan had enough for one day. "Do I look like the kind of guy that knows a lullaby?!" He snarled. SING!" the child screamed, in his face.

Seconds later, Logan had the boy cradled in his large arms, while singing a lullaby. "Lullaby, and goodnight, close your big creepy eyes, if you sleep, away I'll creep, and get out of here alive." Logan wasn't the type for singing, but he definitely wanted to leave this place, claws intact. Finally, the boy feel asleep, and Logan couldn't help but crack a small smile at his peaceful sleeping form. "Aww, you know once you get past all the teeth marks, and bruises, he's actually kind of cute."

Logan turned his gaze back to the sleeping child, who was no longer there! Logan looked around frantically. "Now where he go?!" He turned to look at the older man, who cowered behind the bed, while pointing upwards towards the ceiling, fearfully. Logan looked up to see the maniac child crawling on the ceiling. For a moment, Logan had thought that Spiderman had an evil twin brother, but knowing that Peter didn't have any other reletives besides his Aunt May, Logan immediatly dismissed the idea.

"A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush!" He sang, while turned his head backwards to face a deadpanned Wolverine. "Now there's something you don't see everyday." He commented, before the psychotic child lunged for Logan's face, and strangled him, kicking, biting, and clawing. "Get him off!" Logan shouted, momentarily forgetting his own claws that stuck out whenever he wished. Logan grabbed the boy by the two arms which was his biggest mistake because the boy was swinging forward with his legs out, and targeted straight for.. Crack!

The shoes connected with Logan's groin. His eyes bulged out of their sockets. He doubled over in agony, as he let the boy out of his grasp to clutch his wounded area. He snarled savagely at the boy who was know sitting Indian-style on the floor, looking at him innocently.

That's when the claws were released. Crashing furniture, claws tearing fabrics and scrapping walls, was a nightly affair, as an angry Wolverine chased the little nuisance throughout the tiny bedroom. "Come back here, you!" Logan roared.

"I regret nothing!" The boy hollered jumping out of the window, shattering glass, and falling continuously down cement steps. Having a healing factor, eased the pain of the rough descent. The boy landed roughly in the streets, while onlookers paid him no mind, by stepping over the fallen child.

He shook his head vigorously, allowing a small being to escape from inside his ears. "Eww! I'm too young to have termites!" He shrieked. The small being dusted himself off to look up at the frightened boy. "I'm no termite, Wade. I'm a human. My name is Francis." Wade frowned. "You were the voice in my head this whole time?" The man smiled. "That's right, I was the one who was putting all those thoughts in your noggin. I'm your conscious, and as long as you let me, I'll always be your..." Splat! Wade stomped the tiny sized human with his foot, before cackling madly. And this my dear children, was how Deadpool was born.


End file.
